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Home and Holler

Home Is Where Your Pie Is: Embracing No Tradition As Your Best Tradition

11/23/2021

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When I was a kid, my family used to spend Thanksgivings on the farm. The idyllic, iconic American experience. Mamaw would spend days shopping and chopping, and woke before dawn to start the turkey. 

She always had everyone's favorite pie. 

Dinner would involve, among other things, three different pans of stuffing: one with everything; one with no onions; one with no giblets. Plus the copious amount of sides including deviled eggs in a giant Tupperware container–because if you don’t have deviled eggs, is it really even Thanksgiving in Kentucky? All of it would somehow fit on the table that also seated 6 adults. (The 4 kids were relegated to a card table in the den, of course).

As that turkey roasted to the perfection that only childhood memory can muster, I was outside with my cousins, playing on the tire swing and jumping in hay bales. The barn smelled like tobacco and Novembers were warm. This is not a Norman Rockwell imprint on my psyche. It was actual life.

You don’t know when you’re having the last one of those before life happens and people grow up, and everybody gets jobs and car payments and a set of in-laws. But at some point, all those dominoes started falling. Thanksgiving migrated to my aunt’s house in Georgia, and I married into a very large Catholic family where Thanksgiving was less an exercise in finding space for the deviled egg and more a game of Twister to get everyone seated.

Then I moved. To Phoenix. We lived in three different places in 7 years there, transient in they way of Gen Xers in general, and Arizona residents specifically.

We had good friends from home living in Southern California.  When you’re a Kentuckian living in diaspora, the 5-hour plus drive across the desert seems like nothing at all, and so the Cali-Kentucky contingent would come to Phoenix to spend Thanksgiving with us. Those years involved the gradual introduction of babies (ours and theirs) and friends’ husbands, and an ever-expanding table of mostly vegetarian fare. The church I was serving at the time always had a big Thanksgiving meal the Sunday before, which meant turkey with an abundance of jello-dishes and store bought salads because– THIS JUST IN– Arizona people don’t cook like your Kentucky Mamaw. But they have their own virtues. For instance, those were the years I learned to put green chiles in everything. Seriously, corn pudding, cheese grits… whatever, it will change your life.

Somehow, even though ministry life means that holidays are the worst possible time to go ‘home,’ that desert was filled with all the goodness of family and belonging that I could ask for. Maybe it’s because there was so much love in the scrappy little church that made a pastor of me. Maybe it’s because my friends and chosen family were willing to drive across the desert just to hold my babies and enjoy pie-for-breakfast-Friday (my favorite, if self-appointed holiday).

Or maybe it’s because home is not a place you go, but something you take with you.

During our years in Kansas City, Thanksgiving was a pieced together thing. Some years we would go to a friend's house rather than burning up the road to Kentucky; one year, I made a midnight run to the airport, in the snow, to pick up my mom. Sometimes we traveled, sometimes we set the table.

All told, in our first 15 years of marriage, my husband and I lived in 3 states: 3 Cities, 3 timezones, and (I’ve lost count but roughly) 9 different houses and apartments.  There were times I felt untethered; years I wished I could transport myself to a Rockwell-esque farm scene and whatever ‘home’ means when you’re missing it; times I wished that we had “a holiday tradition” that was just what we did every year, no matter what, and we didn't have so much stuff to figure out. But that sense of lack and longing isn’t what I remember. I remember holidays from those transient years as enforced sabbath time. A few days to breathe in the goodness of our current life situation, wherever that happened to be, and enjoy it with whatever friends and family we could scrape together. Wherever we were, and whoever was there, was exactly who and what we needed at the time.

We are back in Kentucky now, and like the rest of the country, heading into our 2nd pandemic Thanksgiving. So on the one hand, we have plans for about 3 different gatherings to ensure that we hit all sides of the family. On the other hand, we've got a kid at home who is technically COVID positive (though asymptomatic, thankfully) who is supposed to quarantine through Thanksgiving day. We'll do another round of tests on Wednesday and see what's what. But the past week has been a reminder that it's best to stay flexible and know that 'plans' are rarely more than good intentions. And that even our best traditions will give way to real life. 

The holidays came around last year at the height of the pandemic, before a vaccine was available. All experts advised that Americans forego their usual family gatherings and celebrate at home... but some folks just couldn't get their heads around it. While many sacrificed and planned family Zoom calls and Googled how to make turkey for 4, or 2, or 1... many, many others went on with holidays-as-usual, having no frame of reference for how one might just... not. And we had a massive January COVID spike to show for it. 

And yes, the holidays last year were kind of a bummer... But I was very mindful that the art of being unattached to tradition served us well through that time. And it continues to serve us still. There is a certain resilience that comes with having moved and changed your life a lot over the years, a bloom-where-you're-planted flexibility that embraces your current location, both literal and figurative. And one does not have to make geographical moves to cultivate such resilience. Anyone who has ever scraped together a sense of community from a hodgepodge assortment of people in close proximity will tell you the same. When your tradition is no tradition, you make it work. You give thanks for where you are. 

Like many of yours, our family table will be missing a loved one this year. The grief is palpable. But there is also real Thanksgiving for the life that was, for life that remains, and for those who are still with us to celebrate. 

Nothing is ever the same as it was when we were kids. In fact, things are rarely the same as they were just a year ago. But I know that my truest understanding of gratitude has grown out of the years when nothing seemed normal or usual... but when I could still look around and see how blessed I was by whoever happened to be in proximity. 

Because it's really not about holidays at all, but about finding home. And home, it turns out, is portable. Like the Derby pie I took to Thanksgiving potlucks in both Arizona and Kansas– because if you can believe it, there are folks living in those distant lands who have never thought to put bourbon and chocolate chips in their pecan pie. Home can happen at any table where you happen to be, in any season, in any timezone.

Maybe home is just where your pie is.


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Summer Reading List: Going Places Again

5/30/2021

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Oh the joys of a summer trip to the library… my kids piling up more books than they can carry, me grabbing a few new release novels that will inevitably rack up late fees, and a few things I’ll never actually read (cause you’ve gotta have a backup)-- and then going home for an afternoon of family reading time and maybe getting ice cream drips on a few pages. Bliss. 

This was one of the things I missed most during the pandemic. Our library was entirely closed for the longest time, and then they did “curbside pickup only” which was fine but all things considered, hard to plan for and utterly unsatisfying. I missed the roaming and browsing, and the flexibility to just go when we had a few minutes and were in the neighborhood. I missed finding and picking up things I’d never heard of. I missed watching my kids go to their favorite sections and totally nerd out over things I know nothing about. 
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Add these tiny joys to the long list of things I will never take for granted again. 

Now the library is back! And it’s summer! Let the people rejoice. Also… what are we reading?? 

While I had a hard time focusing on ANYthing early in the pandemic, I got my reading mojo back about 6 months ago. I’ve also discovered the gift of audiobooks in recent times, so between the actual paper reading and the listening, I’ve covered some pretty good territory this year. The past year-plus has been a good reminder that a book can take you places, even when you can't go anywhere. As we (hopefully) start to go ACTUAL places again, here are some titles that I highly recommend for your summer roadtrip/hammock-lounging/beach-bumming/mountain climbing/porch-sitting adventures. 
  • The Vanishing Half,  by Brit Bennett. Shew. SO many layers. And so timely. I read it several months ago and am still processing. The outstanding writing alone makes it worth the read, but it is also a compelling story, with great characters and a strong sense of place. All my favorite things. 
  • The Giver of Stars, by Jojo Moyes. Everyone is on the Kentucky Packhorse library train these days, and I’m here for it. I liked this one a lot better than the ‘other’ book along the same topic lines that I read recently. Geographically speaking, it takes place in the vicinity of my hometown. While I was late to the party on this one, I could not put it down, and now I get what all the rage is about. Visit another place and time that will make you appreciate not only the ability to read, but the relatively easy access that we have to reading materials (even in quarantine). 
  • News of the World, by Paulette Giles. Y’all gotta know I’m a sucker for a good western-- especially one with a young female heroin. I mentioned this book in a recent post, and I stand by it as one of the best things I’ve read in years. This would be a great one to take along if you are planning a trip out west! Or just to the west-facing side of your patio. I loved this read, but  have STILL not gotten around to watching the movie, starring Tom Hanks-- even though that trailer is what made me pick up the book in the first place!
  • Anxious People,  by Fredrik Backman. First let me say I am not finished with this one yet- so no spoilers in the comments please! I am listening to the audio of this one, and I think it is a book that was meant to be listened to. I’m totally hooked. I was a HUGE fan of A Man Called Ove, but have been less enthusiastic about most of Backman’s other books. This one is back on top for me. I have NO IDEA what is happening half the time, but I don’t even care. It is genius storytelling, stunningly human, and the kind of book I wish I could write. It’s the kind of book that makes you WANT to write, which for me is the best kind. Take a listen. ​
  • A Bridge in Babylon, by Owen Chandler. You know I rarely include nonfiction on my summer reading list... But I've got a few great narrative memoirs to recommend this year, and this is one of them. My good friend Owen has written a very real, raw, and courageous reflection about U.S. military service and presence in the Middle East. When I say ‘courageous,’ I don’t just mean that he was courageous to leave his family and his congregation behind for a year and go into active deployment as chaplain in a tenuous place--it is also courageous storytelling, delving into parts of spirituality, war, and humanness with an authenticity that few are brave enough to examine (maybe, especially, in the U.S.) He takes off the veneer and asks some hard questions about what it is we are truly asking our military men and women to sacrifice. The official release date is not until June, but he’s already gotten a starred review in Publisher’s Weekly; you can pre-order here. (Speaking of spoiler alerts, Owen is going to be a guest on our podcast next week! Stay tuned.) 
  • Broken Horses, by Brandi Carlile. I adore her. I just do. It feels almost too good to be true when one of your favorite musicians puts out a book that is all about her life and her music-- but here it is. I am reading the actual physical book (the first hardback I’ve actually purchased in a LONG time) but I hear the audiobook comes with some music that she recorded for just this occasion, so I am probably going to listen to it as well. Did I mention I’m a fan?  
  • Ready Player Two, by Ernest Cline.  Admittedly not as good as the original Ready Player One. But if you were a fan of the first, you need to read this one (or listen to it, as my family did). Re-entering the world of the Oasis with Wade and his friends, it will occur to you how weirdly prophetic the concept was when it first came out 10 years ago. If you haven’t read the original, get on that first-- and prepare to be weirded out by the fictional, virtual world that Cline dreamed up a full decade before the pandemic. 
  • This Tender Land, by William Kent Krueger. Is there a better summer story than a sweeping, epic saga of four kids on the lam, making their way across the country during the Great Depression? I think not. This book had my whole heart, the whole way through. I adore the cast of kids-- not to mention Sister Eve, the traveling evangelist and miracle healer that the kids take up with for a spell. You will find yourself questioning many times whether she is the real deal or a total fraud--but the whole story has that fable/tall tale vibe about it, so I think that is rather the point. Another one you should really listen to, if that’s your thing. 
  • Caste, by Isabel Wilkerson. This book about the hierarchy that has shaped our cultural understandings should be required reading at every school-- and really, every workplace-- in America. Wilkerson won the Pulitzer Prize for The Warmth of Other Suns, and that same insightful excellence is clearly in play here. Sadly, this is America so nobody will require you to read it. But the good news is-- this is America, so you can read it (or listen, as I am doing) anyway. Please do. 
  • Born a Crime, by Trevor Noah.  I’m late to the party on this one too, but glad I eventually got here. Geez, this is outstanding. TN’s usual brilliance really shines through in his reflective storytelling about his own life and childhood in apartheid South Africa. By the end of it, I really wanted to meet his mama-- and you will too. 

Every one of these books, in its own way, has the ‘sense of place’ factor--which is to say, the power to take you places-- that makes a book magical. So whether you need a book to take on the road this summer, or you need a book to actually be the road that takes you--we’ve got you covered. Happy trails! 

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Home Is Where Your Pie Is: Derby Day For Homesick Kentuckians

5/1/2021

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Yesterday I grabbed the last package of pecans from the baking aisle in Kroger. Clearly all of Louisville is doing what I’m doing today--baking Derby pies. 

Shoot, I can’t say that. The official name is trademarked, so let’s just say, I am making chocolate pecan pie (or walnut, if you fancy), using a heavy hand with the bourbon. There may be some on the side for sipping. 

Of course, when I say “all of Louisville,” I mean those in my fair city who are not actually going to Churchill Downs for the race. My confession is, I’ve never been to the track ON Derby Day. But honestly, if you aren’t going to pay a 5-digit ticket price for a luxury box, you are just going to stand in the muddy infield with all the drunk frat guys who don’t know the words to My Old Kentucky Home. No, thank you. I prefer to enjoy my pie with a few close friends, the NBC Sports’ view of the whole track, and bourbon refills that you don’t have to wait in line for. 

You don’t have to be at the track to enjoy Derby Day. Actually-- you don’t even have to be in Kentucky to enjoy Derby Day. 

I can attest to this after years of having lived “elsewhere,” marking the day as “National Homesick Kentuckian” day--crying into my bourbon even as we sang “weep no more, my lady,” sharing pie with whomever was around, and trying to help my friends and neighbors in Phoenix, then Kansas City, understand what this whole thing was about. Because if you know, you know, but if you DON’T know… well, it just seems like a big lot of fuss for a horse race. 

In those away years, I always tried to share the experience with the people in my proximity as best I could. I would say that my transplanted traditions ‘took’ better in some locales than they did in others… But everywhere, everybody loved pie. You can’t argue with the power of pie. 

In fact, I have made and shared Derby Pie in so many other places, with so many other gatherings that now, this thing that used to make me homesick for Kentucky now makes me homesick for other places and people. How is that possible? This is Kentucky’s THING! Kentucky’s day. And yet-- anyplace I’ve taken this pie is also home. 

I guess home is where your pie is. 

This time last year, COVID-19 meant no Derby… Churchill Downs, like every other public place, was shut down tight and silent. The race was postponed until September when, in a truly spooky and post-apocalyptic feeling broadcast, the horses ran with no spectators. No juleps, no fancy hats, no drunken frat guys singing the wrong words loudly…just the sound of hooves on dirt.  It was as though the whole pandemic had been distilled into a single, empty, two minute event. 

We gathered on our patio with a small group of friends, the T.V. having been moved outside for a socially-distanced watch party. As the opening strains of Stephen Foster carried across the airwaves from that impossibly empty place, my daughter said, “are you CRYING?” like it was weird or something to be crying over a horse race. I said “every Kentuckian everywhere is crying right now. Believe me.” 

If you know, you know. But if you don’t know… well, it just seems like a big lot of fuss for a horse race.

Watching the race from just a few miles away that day felt a lot like watching it from Arizona. So close, but so far… So removed from the place itself, but so connected to every other homesick Kentuckian in the world, every other piece of traveling pie... 

I will watch again today-- on a friend's patio, from just a few miles away. While Churchill Downs will be at about half capacity, there will be spectators. But I don't feel the need to be there in person. 


It is possible to feel homesick even when you are at home. It is possible to feel connected to home, even when you are nowhere near it in proximity. And it is not just possible, but highly probable, that a certain food, or song, or sound of hooves-on-turf, can transport you instantly from home to elsewhere, and back again. Because home is not so much a place as a longing; a thing that you take with you everywhere and, hopefully, share with anyone who happens to be in your orbit.
 

Home is where your pie is. 

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Old Dogs, Tall Kids, and Weird Weather Days

4/24/2021

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​“It is getting tricky for me to fix your hair... I feel like I am having to reach UP for the top of your head.” ​

It was the night before her first day of in-person school. After a year-plus of at-home virtual learning, 8 months into her 6th grade year, she was actually going to be in the building. This gradual, part-time ease into school at the very end of the year felt incredibly anti-climactic in some ways. But in others, it was huge. 

And so, I realized, was my daughter. 

For the last year or so, she has been allllllllmost as tall as me. Starting to borrow my shoes. She walked up to me the other day while I was standing in line at the grocery store, put her arm around me and said, “what’s up, Shorty?” And she was looking me square in the eye. 

And here we were, on the eve of her real live Middle School career-- asking me for a rare blow-dry because FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL (even if it is April); and I realized that the window of her being the same height as me had lasted all of 24 hours. I was literally reaching UP. 

“Wait, turn around,” I said. I shifted her around so we were standing back to back in the mirror, and there it was. It was obvious-- this child is taller than me. 

This will surprise no one who knows my family. I am 5’2”, so being “taller than mom” is not a huge achievement around here. And my husband is 6’7” in his socks, so we all knew this day of reckoning with his gene pool was coming for me. 
 

Still.  

She had a moment of delighted, if slightly baffled laughter, as I looked UP at this child I created from scratch. And then she said, all seriousness,  "I could sit in a chair, if you need me to..." 

It may come to that soon, it really might. But for now, I can still reach her. And for now, I am just sitting here in awe at how much time marches on. Even in a lock-down year when time seemed to be standing still most days. The kids were growing-- and growing right past me--every second. 
* * *  
We have this little dog, a Jack Russell(ish) named Van Halen. He is mostly just “Van,” unless he’s in trouble, in which case it is his full name. We got him from a rescue when he was probably a year to two years old. This was a year before our daughter was born, so we calculate his age as “Harper-plus-2.” Which means he is probably about 14 now. Maybe 15, at the high end of counting. 

I don’t have to tell you that, in dog years, that is getting up there. 

He still gets around pretty well for an old man, though he is starting to do strange old dog things. He doesn’t hear very well so you have to get really close to call him now. He is getting much less tolerant of small children, strangers, and really, people in general who want to touch him or be in his space. And most recently--sometimes, in the evening, he will just cry for awhile. 

It is truly pitiful to see this dog who has always been so full of life and boundless energy just roaming or sitting in his favorite chair, whining for no apparent reason. I have figured out this behavior correlates with Tuesday nights, when dad has band practice at a friend’s house and is out late. When he’s gone to work during the day, Van is fine. But if it gets past dark and he’s not around, there is something unsettling about that for the dog. I wonder if it is, in some ways, a creeping doubt about his ability to be the Alpha and protect the family when his man-person isn’t home. 

Then again, perhaps I am reading too much into the existential struggles of a dog. Maybe his joints just hurt more at night. Maybe he needs more attention.  

Maybe he is just sad. 

Or maybe he knows that, even in the times when every day seems the same, when a year goes by and we’ve scarcely left the house, when nothing else has been certain or predictable or really seemed to “happen” at all… time just keeps coming. And at some point, we stop growing and just get older.
* * *  
Wednesday was the weirdest weather day I have ever experienced. And I’ve lived in Kansas, where you can have a blizzard one day and a tornado the next. I’ve lived in Arizona, where the “fall” means you need a heavy jacket in the morning, and by afternoon it will be 105 in the shade. 

We woke up, this third week of April in Kentucky, to snow on the ground. By late morning, the sun came out, and the snow was melting in huge, clumsy clumps that sounded like someone throwing snowballs at my roof. By noon, it was sunny and all the snow was gone. 

And then, about 2pm, it started snowing again. Big heavy, wet snow that stuck to nothing, but came down for a solid several hours all the same. It went on like this all afternoon. 

By 6pm, we were at baseball practice and the sun was shining. It was bizarre. 

They say if you don’t like the weather in Kentucky, stay for 24 hours and it will change. In this case, it was more like 10 hours-- from Spring to Winter and back to Spring again. Like I say, bizarre. But also, a stunning reminder that this, too shall pass. That the sun always comes back eventually. And that a whole season can fly by in what seems like a moment. 

We are, all of us, in deep time. Sometimes we can feel it ticking by in minutes and days; at other times, we catch a glimpse of what it is to measure in lifetimes, generations, eons. The tree at the National Park that is a thousand years old. The artifact at the museum that is ten thousand years old. The outline of the Appalachian Mountains that defy calculation, but speak to time that has begun turning back on itself--grinding back to the dust what it once drew out of the bedrock. 
* * *  
By the time she went to bed, on the night before the “first” day of school, my daughter was finding less hilarity in her ability to look down at her mother. “I don’t want to be taller than you,” she said. “I like being AS tall as you… but I don’t want to be taller.” 

“Yeah, but here we are,” I said. “What can I say, you’ve got your daddy’s legs. We knew this day was coming for us.” It is some consolation to her, I suppose, that she can steal my shoes now. For now. 

As with all things that grow, evolve, or live out their season, it is somehow both the most unsettling and the most comforting truth imaginable: that time can crawl, or time can fly by-- but it is always, always moving. And bringing us along in its wake. 
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Dolly Abides

2/20/2021

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We already adored her. Of course we did. 

As a musician, she is legendary. An institution. I've been in that room in the house in Dollywood where they have all her awards, and it is too much for the eye to take in. And you just KNOW she's got a few favorites at home on the mantle too. Her body of work speaks for itself, accolades aside. There is a Dolly song for everything, and we know every word. 

But the music is not the only reason she is so beloved. There is an incomparable something about her that has always sparkled, always made you feel like you KNEW her, like you could run into her at the grocery store and she'd give you a hug. (Let me stop you now if you feel compelled to disavow me of this particular daydream). But at this particular moment in history, heavy and chaotic as it is, Dolly has emerged as something much more than iconic artistsand genuinely nice person. She is a unifying figure, one who has managed to bring hope, joy, and a kind of aspirational resilience to the present upheaval. 

Jad Abumrad explored this phenomenon in his podcast, Dolly Parton's America, even before the pandemic. If you have not already listened to every single delightful episode of this series, then congratulations: your weekend is planned! 


A philanthropist to the Nth degree, she has long provided scholarships for any kid from her hometown who wants to go to college. Fiercely committed to literacy, she has donated over 130 million books to children around the world. And just recently, she made a many-zeroes contribution to Vanderbilt Medical Center, funding research that made significant strides towards a coronavirus vaccine. 

It’s no wonder Tennessee wants to put a statue of her on the state’s very front lawn. 

And here, I think we might be coming around the heart of things, the intangible something that makes Dolly the incomparable force that she is, and it is this: she doesn’t want the statue.

In response to the announcement she said “
I am honored and humbled by their intention but I have asked the leaders of the state legislature to remove the bill from any and all consideration. Given all that is going on in the world, I don't think putting me on a pedestal is appropriate at this time” 

What it takes to step out of the spotlight in a moment like this is something more than just humility. It is a whole different kind of internal economy: one that defies individualism. This is what it looks like when you know that you don’t live for just yourself, and that nothing you have is really your own. Because when you get right down to it… you are just part of the neighborhood. More than anything else Dolly just gets that. 

As a rule, America operates on an economy of self-- glorifying independence and rendering individualism a uniquely American idol. Such an economy is rooted in ego; it values wealth, seeks status and power over communal wellbeing, and elevates “personal freedom” above all else. This is how one of the wealthiest and most privileged countries in the world ends up with one of the highest death rates in a global pandemic: because our toxic notions of 'personal freedom' somehow got caught up in a fight about masks and, well, here we are. 

These twisted notions of individualism also lead to things like: corporations get to do whatever they want, even if it means poisoning the environment. A de-regulated power grid in Texas that fails in catastrophic fashion and costs lives in a moment of crisis. Generations of systemic racism that we can't seem to even talk about without white folks hollering how "It's not my fault, I never owned slaves!" and "all lives matter!" in yet another communal failure of empathy. And the guns... let's get into the 'personal freedom' gun conundrum another day, because we're talking about Dolly here and I want to stay on task. 


Ultimately, what Dolly displays with her life is this wonderfully counter-cultural understanding of her place in the world. And it's hard to be counter-cultural when you are so deeply a part of the culture, you know? But that's what makes her kind of extraordinary. She has this internal economy, not of independence, but of INTERdependence. 

And I think deep down, we all know that is the way. Now more than ever. 

For my part, one of the things that I've always loved most about her is her accent-- here is one of the only truly famous people in the world who comes from that part of the world and yet did not somehow water down or eliminate her dialect to make herself more relatable to folks on the outside. Though I'm sure she's been pressured at times to talk more "regular," I hear home when she talks, and I love that she represents my people and my place out there in the wide world. 

That sense of place is what people see in her that sparkles, that connects, that we want to somehow emulate but don't know how. Here is a woman who has more fame, fortune, and power than any of us would know what to do with; and yet she continues to honor her roots, and to take her place as part of a larger whole. Giving back to make communities stronger, to give families a future--maybe even to help end a global pandemic. 

But she'll pass on the statue, thanks. She is just part of the neighborhood. 

If we want to be like Dolly, but no one is offering to build us a monument that we can turn down (just speaking for myself here) then where to begin? All I can say is, it has to do with transforming our internal economy from one of independence to one of interdependence.

To start: know where you're from. Then, just take your place in the neighborhood. Be who you are. Show up for folks. Sing a song. Read a kid a book. Give something away. Maybe see what comes to life from there. 


We will always love you, Dolly! These are just a few of the reasons why. 

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Our Billion Dollar Heart Problem

2/13/2021

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Americans will spend about 21.8 Billion dollars buying Valentine's stuff this year.

That's nearly $4 billion more than it was last time I looked up that number, about 4 years ago. 

When I think about what we could do, collectively, with nearly $22 billion, it boggles the mind. No, scratch that-- it literally breaks my heart. 

For one thing, it would cover our National Parks budget for about 8 years. Or fund the National Endowment for the Arts for a few decades. How many hungry children could be fed? Student loans forgiven? Refugees resettled? 

We could make a longer list, but you get my point- we have the resources in this country to do so much collective good; to meet so many needs; to solve so many complex problems. But when you come right down to it-- our hearts are just in all the wrong places. 

Valentine's Day itself is not the problem. A holiday designated for love? Sure. Fantastic. But... when did “love” get saddled with all this stuff? Billions and billions of dollars worth of stuff?

I’d venture that most of the billions are spent on flowers, jewelry, stuffed animals, and any other number of things that come in the shape of a heart. Which, by Monday, will be marked down 80% at Walgreen’s and Target and every other store in America. Not long after that, much of it will be in a landfill.

This holiday is just one of  many that draws attention to our consumer sickness. That sickness is big, and multi-layered, and it’s not Saint Valentine’s fault. It’s also not the fault of Baby Jesus or the Easter Bunny; or Saint Patrick, the Great Pumpkin or Uncle Sam. On every one of these days, we wade through the sea of sugar and cheap plastic crap that will ultimately flood the landfills we use to hide our addiction. The dam will only hold for so long.

So there’s an environmental concern, and a sweatshop concern. But more than anything, there's a heart concern, underlying all the paper and diamond ones. The real emptiness that might make us feel like we *have* to buy this stuff, or else we have somehow failed at the whole love thing. 

More to the point, this is an illumination of the scarcity mentality… The one that tells us we cannot possibly afford to insure all of our children–or educate them, or provide them with clean water and air, or protect the resources for their retirement someday–when clearly, we have all the money in the world to spend on… What, exactly? Another engraved picture frame? Another charm for that bracelet? Another bear holding a heart? (What can I say, SNL gets it). 

Can we fix all of these complex problems by abstaining from flowers and stuffed animals today? Maybe not. But practicing a bit of mindfulness about our own spending and gifting can go a long way to change our thinking about what is needed, what is important, and what is worthwhile. And that shift might, in turn, change our thinking about what we can, and cannot afford… As a family, as a country, and as people who have to inhabit this earth together long after the landfills overflow and the rivers run dry.

Here are a few ideas for how to celebrate this day of love without breaking the bank–or contributing to our collective national junk pile.
  1. Quality time: have a game night with your family, or watch a movie together. Take your date for a walk if it’s nice out, or visit a city spot you both love.
  2. Food: Make dinner for someone you love. Or, better yet–dessert. (A nice dinner in is especially attractive in a pandemic year). 
  3. Love letters: Maybe it’s because my love language is “words of affirmation,” but I never tire of getting nice notes… And it doesn't have to come in a pink envelope from Hallmark. It can be on a post-it, in an email, or scratched in the dust on my car, I don’t care. Words matter, and good words go a long, long way. Make a long list of reasons why you love your person, (or any person that you think could use a good word), and give it to them.
  4. Acts of Service: While we’re on the love languages… Fold your partner’s laundry, or take their car to be detailed, or run some other errand that they hate, but that needs to be done. Those things might not sound sexy unless you're an old married person, but believe me... 
  5. Be still. How much time do you spend just being together? Just sitting still? My guess is that even during quarantine the answer is possibly: Not often. But maybe today I do. Seems like a small but powerful thing.
  6. Gifts that Keep Giving. Ok, spend some money after all, but not on stuff. Donate to a cause that is near and dear to your significant other–-or better yet, something that is important to both of you. I’m giving to the National Parks Service for my man today, because some of our best memories together are in those parks… and let’s face it, after the chaos wrought on those spaces by the previous administration, Smokey the Bear and company need all the help they can get.
  7. Share the love. Maybe your family could go volunteer together somewhere. Or go make a socially distanced porch visit to a neighbor or church friend who might be alone. Take them a homemade card or some cookies. They will just be glad to see your face. Even if there's a mask on it. 
What about you? What are you doing to enact some love on the world this weekend? Whatever it is, I hope it brings joy to your little corner of the world… with as few glitter casualties as possible.

This is modified for COVID times from a post that originally appeared on Patheos. 


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The Long Winter

1/28/2021

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PictureI use stock images sometimes- but actually took these myself! Goose Creek trail.
Historically speaking, January and I have not been friends. Blame it on the cold, the post-holiday letdown, or the fact that January is about as far as a month can be from October (except for November & December, but they get a pass on account of holidays).

For the seven years I lived in Arizona, January and I had a respite from our adversarial relationship. In the southwest, that window of time is a sparkling paradise -- perfect for drinking spicy Mexican lattes and hiking desert mountains under crayon-blue skies dotted with hot air balloons. And also, you know, a nice break from the other months that will melt your face right off and not even feel sorry about it. 

It's possible that, since leaving that winter utopia, I've felt even more frigid towards the first month of the year. And January in a pandemic? I've been dreading it, hard. The cold and the gray, plus the isolation and anxiety, and the lack of things to look forward to... It felt like a lot this year. The attempted overthrow of the government didn't help, but at least I saw that one coming. 

I looked at my calendar this week and noted that January is ALMOST OVER! And yet... winter is not done, by a long shot. Neither is the pandemic. Or the escalating political discord that really piles on to the usual heaviness of the season. We've got miles to go yet, on all counts, and we all need some coping devices to get us through. I'm not telling anybody how to live their lives, but here are a few of the daily verbs that have been holding me up through this season:
  • Cook. ​Maybe technically it's a chore. But something about the ritual, the act of nurture, and the full-sensory experience is wonderfully soothing. Not to mention a lot cheaper than ordering takeout (again). 
  • Move. Ever since I "retired" as a dancer, I've been an intermittent gym-goer, at best. But in these lockdown days, I've tuned in to the recently-booming virtual fitness world. Now that I don't have to change clothes (because don't we all work in our stretchy pants these days?) and get in the car and actually go to somePLACE to get moving, I do it every day. And you guys... I hate to say it, but the annoying gym rats have been right all these years. It is a life changing thing to get daily physical activity into your life. My anxiety and stress levels are lower, my coping skills higher, my energy through the roof. You don't have to make it about losing weight and falling down the rabbit hole of toxic diet culture. For pushing back the winter darkness, physical activity is a 10/10 recommend, for those who are able. And when it's too gross out to go for a walk or run, it's nice to have indoor options. 
  • Read. Early in the pandemic, I had zero bandwidth to sit down and read a book. Truth is, I still don't have much. But I make myself do it anyway. Maybe I get through a book once every three months instead of once every three weeks... but when I'm actually reading, many parts of my brain are happier. And it beats the hell out of doomsday scrolling before bedtime.  I've discovered the gifts of audiobooks in these months too. Someone else to tell you a story while you are accomplishing some menial task, or waiting in the car for something? Wonderful. (Will share another post soon featuring my favorite audiobooks!)
  • Create. I'm the least crafty person in the world, but I write stuff. Maybe you can play an instrument, or knit things. Or build woodworking miracles in the garage. Or paint. Whatever your thing is, do that thing, at least for a few minutes a day. 
  • Give. Deep down, we know January is not the problem. The whole world feels dark and heavy these days. Giving to causes (or even volunteering, if you can do so safely) that make the world the kind of place you want to live in-- this is a life-giving act of resistance. As a bonus, generosity is a spiritual discipline that benefits not just the recipient, but the giver. And finally, I recommend daily exercises in​
  • LOWERED EXPECTATIONS. This one right here is key, fam. Really, let's bring our bars down lower. No, a little lower. A bit more... there it is. Whatever milestone, celebration, major life change, achievement or award you were hoping to cash in at the end of this stretch-- make like Elsa and Let It Go. You are doing enough to just show up for your life every day. Love your people, take deep breaths, help where you can, and when you find some joy in between things, then say hallelujah. 

Speaking of reading--my daughter has been reading The Long Winter, a book in the Little House/Laura Ingalls Wilder series. I never really got into those as a kid, other than little snippets here and there. But I'm familiar with the gist of this one: it's winter, it's cold, they have no food, everything is terrible, they almost die. The end. And get this-- my kid has read this before and is reading it again on purpose. For fun. 

I said "why in the world would you want to read that right now?? Isn't it so depressing?!" 
And do y'all know what this tiny thing said to me? She said, "Well, parts of it are sad. But it makes me feel happy because in the end... it's spring." 

Well. Let the child preach. 

Here in my end of Kentucky we got a beautiful big snow this week-- the kind that looks nice and is fun to play in but melts off the road quickly. I walked over to creek (crick) in my neighborhood just to stand there on the path in a quiet, wooded place for minute. The canopy of icy branches, almost cartoonishly magical, reminded me that winter does have its own kind of beauty some days, its own spiritual gifts, if we can be wise enough to witness. 

Meanwhile, the water running over the rocks of the creek bed sang its own song -- spring is coming. 

Seems like my kid and my creek have the same good news to share this week. Finish the book. Stay in this story, however sad and heavy it feels. In the end, it will be spring.  
​

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I Keep Buying Bread

1/23/2021

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There are staples I buy every time I go to the store. They don't even have to go on the list, they're just part of life. Milk. Fruit. Cheese. Cereal. 

And bread. I always buy bread. 

But lately, I've noticed that when I put the groceries away, I go to put the bread in the pantry... and there is already a loaf of bread there. Sometimes half a loaf, sometimes a whole one. Interesting. 

As I tossed the new bread into the freezer (again) I took a minute to wonder what might be causing our carbs to pile up like this. Nobody is on a keto kick. 

And it occurred to me that during pandemic times, a few things have shifted. For one thing, there is no school. Which means there are no lunch boxes. Our mornings are not spent making sandwiches and cleaning up our lunch mess while we also put away the breakfast dishes. 

The other thing that has changed is The Children themselves. I do not know how this happened, but I have two tweens up in here all of a sudden. One is as tall as me, and the other is gaining fast. Since they were toddlers, they've been able to eat their collective weight in peanut butter sandwiches every week. And while their appetites grow along with them, it seems their tastes have changed. Given the fact that I have a full-time job and am not a damn maid, these grown ass children fix their own lunches now. Having no school and full access to the kitchen means that lunch is now mac cheese, frozen pizzas, quesadillas, or leftovers from dinner last night. In fact, my son commented the other day, "when we go back to school, I don't know what I'm going to take for lunch. I never really want sandwiches anymore." Aha. Bread mystery solved.

And yet, I keep buying bread. 

​I recognize the privilege inherent here- in buying something out of sheer habit whether we need it or not. Having more food in the house than we can eat in a week, having more than we need in general. So many are struggling right now. Diminished food security has been, by far, the biggest fall-out of the pandemic, with hunger affecting millions more people than the virus itself. I reckon with this imbalance by giving to causes and organizations that are working to feed people. Contributing to local needs as well as global development programs focused on food security and sustainability.

At a more micro level, this disparity makes me want to examine my habits. What else do I do on autopilot without mindfulness? What other habits have I picked up, or let go, during this weird time of lockdown? What do I have more (or too much) of? What could I make more room for if I stopped taking up unnecessary space with things I don't need? And I don't just mean in the pantry...

It makes me think about how I spend not just my money-- but my time, and myself. 

I buy more sweatpants and pajamas now; but spend a lot less on gas. I spend more time scrolling; but a lot less running around town for pointless errands. I see fewer people; but am so much more grateful for even the smallest of social interactions. I cook more and eat out less. I exercise more, but I also drink more. I miss the library and coffee shops, but I strangely don't miss so many other places where I used to spend my time. Interesting. 

Some of these evolutions are good and healthy. Some are not great. All of them are what they are. And all of them make me want to be more intentional about life in general when we go back to life as normal... whatever that means. 
This week, I won't buy bread. Maybe next week, I'll want toast for breakfast. Or I'll just forget and toss it in the cart again. Either way, my daily bread is now a daily call to mindfulness. And that, I will keep - with butter and jam. 

How about y'all? What habits have you picked up or laid down during all this craziness? How will it change your "normal" when this whole thing is over? 

​What do you "throw in the cart" without even thinking about it?
​
​And what would you have more room for if you stopped?

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